


A Simple Mistake

by progdor



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, Guilt, Reflection, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 17:57:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18078260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/progdor/pseuds/progdor
Summary: Kaworu Nagisa was brought up believing he had a purpose to fulfill, a single incident changed his perception. He now stands looking as his resurrected form unsure of who and what he is anymore.





	A Simple Mistake

“So… that was dying.”

The boy stood looking at himself in the mirror his hand instinctively reached up to his neck and pressed to make sure it was still real. A part of him could still feel the pain of where his head and body had separated. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since it had happened, it could have been a few minutes, a day, a week or even longer. The science of how they had gotten his soul and transferred it into a new shell was lost on him. All he did know is that his reflection that of a boy with silvery hair, red eyes and pale skin, is that he looked sad.

Kaworu Nagisa was once again alone and for the first time in his life he hated it.

Turning away from the mirror he studied his room. It was exactly as he remembered it to be, a bed set up in one corner and a small set of drawers for his clothing. In another corner was a small piano with a small selection of books on it. All pieces from a number of composers, laid open was the Ode to Joy.

“Everything is exactly as I left it, everything is exactly the same. I have returned from that place, my role in this world has been fulfilled. I understand what my purpose was now. So why have I returned, I am no longer needed, I am… I am alone.”

Kaworu felt a burning in the back of his eyes and an itching in his throat. He had never experienced this before, the human emotion known as sadness. He had witnessed it though, in the eyes of the people he had met in Tokyo-3. In the hearts of those people, Misato Katsuragi, Asuka Langley Sohryu, and the one who he had bonded with… Shinji Ikari. Kaworu had sensed their sorrow and sadness but he never understood it. He had never learned to understand it but now he was feeling it himself. The aching of his heart, the churning in his stomach and the burning in his eyes as tears fell silently down his cheeks.

Kaworu had come to a realization in those final moments, that he had been used. His purpose was not to initiate the impact with Adam but instead to be a sacrifice. The people who had brought him into this world, who had fed those lies to him about his purpose intended for Kaworu to die. Yet if that was the case why had he returned to his room in this new body?

_‘Maybe I haven’t returned, maybe this is the afterlife… maybe this is the state between this life and the next. All I am seeing now is an illusion, a facsimile while I wait to move to the next life… or maybe.’_

“Kaworu Nagisa, you performed your task well but there is one more thing we require of you. We are ready to move with the Eva Series, we require your data for the dummy plug system. We will send someone along to pick you up shortly. Please be ready.”

Kaworu had his answer. He had been brought back to life, his soul grabbed from the ether and transferred into another empty shell. All to perform one more task for those who had given him life. For the next few hours he would have purpose but after that then what? Would he be discarded again?

_‘Tabris… named for the Angel of free will. How ironic that my entire life has therefore been guided by external forces. I have had no free will of my own, that choice I made to sacrifice myself was not my choice. I could not sacrifice the lives of so many and they knew that.’_

Kaworu wiped the tears away from his eyes with the back of his hand and thought about what had happened in that past week. He had gone to Tokyo-3 ready to fulfil his purpose. He would make contact with the Third Child and be able to earn NERVs trust. From there he would be able to return that which had given him life, the source of his soul, the being known as Adam. Only that hadn’t happened.

He had arrived and made contact with the Third Child, the boy known as Shinji Ikari and immediately Kaworu had felt something there. Kaworu did not have a full grip of human emotions yet, not being human himself and being brought up in isolation all he had to go on were the media he had consumed which was minimal. Kaworu knew nothing of the outside world, classical music, books and guesswork. He had felt something strong for Shinji Ikari though, he had called it love and maybe to some that is what it was. Was it romantic? Kaworu didn’t know what romance was but all he knew was he enjoyed being in Shinjis presence, he wanted to make Shinji happy and be his friend.

Kaworu had then earned NERVs trust, that hadn’t been difficult. All he had to do was show he could pilot the Evangelion Unit. That was easy, the soul within the Evangelion had completely sealed itself off by this time and its pilot was lying comatose in a medical facility. Kaworu had visited her in the hospital once, the girl known as Asuka Langley Sohryu. He had wished to meet her, he sensed the same sadness from her that he had sensed with Shinji. He had felt something for her as well, he wanted to speak with her too but it was not to be.

Finally all he had to do was make contact with Adam. Only when he had descended into the depths of NERV to where he thought Adam to be he realized it wasn’t Adam. It was Lilith. In that moment Kaworu knew what his role really was, he had been tricked by his masters. In his final act he told Shinji that humanity must live on before the Evangelions hand clamped around him.

He reached a hand up to his neck again making sure it was still there. He could not remember feeling anything at the moment of death, only a sense of being pulled towards something. Maybe that was his soul leaving the body and beginning a journey towards the afterlife or maybe it was SEELEs machines at work, transferring his soul into this body.

While he was there he had met another. Rei Ayanami. When meeting her he told Rei that they were the same. He believed this to be true. Rei Ayanami, born of Lilith but given human form. She was just like him, except she wasn’t like him. She was surrounded by people who cared for her, she was liked and she had choices. Kaworu had no choices, he wasn’t surrounded by anyone who cared for him. He was a tool to be used and discarded.

He found himself sat at his piano, aimlessly playing a melody on it hoping it might make him feel better but it only added to the emptiness.

_‘Is this what they feel? Did Shinji feel this when he was alone? Did Asuka feel this? Does Rei Ayanami feel this? Can I do anything about it?’_

Kaworu continued to play a sequence of notes. It was not anything in particular just a slow improvised piece based on a minor scale. With each note he played he thought more about who he was and what his options were. He thought about how little he truly knew of this world. SEELE had kept him here all his life, told him only what they wanted to know. He had been happy and content with that knowledge but in one swift moment he had realized it was all a lie. In one week his life had been flipped around.

_‘What can I do about it? My sacrifice just feeds into their plans but even if I didn’t do that I couldn’t have fated this world to destruction.’_

His playing sped up as he continued to ask himself the question.

_‘What can I do?’_

He couldn’t defy SEELE at this point, even with his power they were able to neutralize it so he couldn’t halt that. SEELE would use him for their system, they would surely attack NERV and finish what they had started. He realized that his sacrifice would not prevent the end of humanity, it would just delay it. All he had done was give the controls to the system over to SEELE.

Kaworu had told Shinji that humanity had needed the future, that they had to go on but those were just the words of someone who believed they were sacrificing themselves for a greater purpose. He hadn’t realized at the time what his death truly meant. He hadn’t saved the world, he had condemned it.

He thought about Shinji for a moment, what was the boy doing now? Did he understand the reason behind Kaworus sacrifice?

_‘So much sorrow in his heart… he… oh god what have I done.’_

It was starting to set in. Until Kaworus arrival Shinji had lost everything he had loved and held dear. Kaworu had given him friendship and comfort but in a matter of moments he had betrayed all of that. He had revealed himself to be one of the enemy and forced Shinji to kill him. Shinji had the ability to fight it but would he have the will to do so?

Kaworu realized he had to do something, but what could he do? He had to correct this mistake. Unless he did something SEELE would win. He couldn’t do anything though. He was thousands of miles away from Shinji with no means of getting there. Suddenly in the back of his mind he heard a voice, a mantra he had heard when he first made contact with Shinji.

_‘I mustn’t run away. I mustn’t run away.’_

Kaworu smiled for the first time since returning. He had heard those words from Shinji, muttered in his sleep while the Third Child was having a nightmare. It was a simple phrase but the meaning to him was impactful.

There might not have been anything he could do but that didn’t mean he couldn’t at least try. Even if it meant him dying again, even if it meant him leaving this world forever. SEELE could not be allowed to win, Kaworu Nagisa would do what he can to prevent it.

_‘I will see you soon… Shinji Ikari.’_


End file.
